Diificult Topics

Recently, i've been going to Renovate with my parents and Ive met a few people there that are rather pleasent.  Tonight, I was invited to go out with a few people my age, which hasn't happened in a long time.  I had pretty much given up on friends in Muskegon, honestly, as of yesterday.  I was sick of calling people and no one answering... or never getting return calls... always being the one to initiate contact...  For the first time in a long time, i went out with people and had a great time!  During dinner I was talking with my new friend, Dave, i got to thinking about a bunch of rather difficult topics.  None of them were necessarily breached, but the conversation brought the issues back to the forefront of my mind instead of tucked way back in the back and forgotten about.

There are a few difficult topics that have come around lately that I haven't really been proactive about addressing.  If you were a consistent reader of this blog and knew nothing of me, you would probably be extremely confused because i never really tied together the end of my student teaching experience... and i talked about moving out to Seattle and my first few weeks out there, but never addressed my coming home.  I've also not really talked about my new job or why i didn't go into teaching...

In some respects, i convince myself that it's none of anyone's business why certain things ended up the way they did, but we all know that's not the reason.  If i have to be 100% truthful, i don't like to admit defeat.  I don't like to share my failures, regardless of the turnout.  I would say that my career direction away from being a teacher is a good path for me at the moment but to me that is still a failure because i worked for five years on that degree only to not use it.  I convince myself that if i was really good at what i did i would be working as a teacher with a great job here in Muskegon... but I don't.  I know that I'm  happy, and I know that what i am doing right now is better for me than being a teacher, but that doesn't settle my mind at all.

if you want to know the reason why i didn't go into teaching, I'll tell you - "it's complicated".  It has to do with school politics, slated administration, and betrayal.  Without placing too much blame, i feel like i was set up to fail by one of my "mentors" and the whole final two months of my degree were so painful - just going in the morning was less enticing than pulling off my fingernails one by one.  I was in no way perfect at what i did and i will be the first to admit it, but i gave it my all and put my heart into giving everything i had for those kids.  Without too much drama in the details I'll just say that there were a lot of tears, a lot of doubt, and a whole lot of hating myself. 

I would say that this is a good part of what caused me to move to Washington in the first place - i didn't want to face my failure every day, even though it wasn't necessarily me that failed but my mentors that failed me.  I couldn't handle the expectations that i had placed on myself.  My whole degree and future looked disgusting to me now and i needed a quick out.  So i moved to what looked like a wonderful opportunity out in Washington as a Nanny for a Christian family who was letting me use my degree to home school their kids.  It was like the perfect compromise and I even had Michael getting ready to move out there with me.  Sure, i was nervous about leaving, but I jumped at the opportunity anyway.  

I went out there and everything was great - for about 2 weeks.  Then, through a series of situations where I got to know the family in a way other than they portrayed when they were hiring me, i really got to get a good look at what this family was about.  I started t0 figure them out.  The kids were difficult to say the least and the parents were no help at all.  I was asked to discipline them and when i did, i got in trouble.  I was told that i wasn't expected to go to church with the family but then when i actually didn't go with them they freaked out.  and then, when i did go, they looked at me like i was an alien because i didn't know any of their songs and didn't jump around and clap... and because i wasn't impressed by the pastor's wife's 10 minute speech about giving money to the church.  I didn't complain, though, i just let it go  because it wasn't my church.  That's when the division started - the family wasn't thrilled that i wasn't just jumping on the train - going to their church, shopping only at Saks fifth avenue, not going for pedicures and manicures and massages every week, wasn't buying the kids gifts when i went to the store, etc... i didn't fit in.  The daughter made up lies about me, manipulated things I said, and eventually forced me out. 

When Angela came down to my room and asked to talk, i knew exactly what she was about to say.  They had been completely distant for 2 days and it was the most awkward thing ever.  Part of me was really glad to hear her say that they were going to let me go home, but another huge part of me screamed "failure" so loud that it was all i could think.  I was miserable there and yet still when she came downstairs to talk to me i felt like a let down and a waste of space.  "i should have just conformed" - "i should have just gone to their church and shut up" - " i should have pretended to be a christian and not stirred the pot" - "i should have just ...." fill it in however you want.  I was on the plane within 24 hours and i should have been ecstatic but i was miserable.  how could I go home and face everyone?  how could i tell everyone i came across that i was a failure??

I quickly decided that i just need to suck it up.  Sure, i failed, but i failed at conforming to standards I don't agree with in both of the aforementioned situations.  Should i apologize for that?  no.  i wont.  not ever.  If i am true to myself and no one else, regardless of what else happens in my life, i am a success.

New Blog!!

So, I have a new blogger.com blog - here's the address: bethanycramblet.blogspot.com
real difficult, I know!

It's basically my Mary Kay blog where I tlak about all the fun stuff we have going on, all of the discounts and prizes I'm giving away, and occasionally fun pictures!

Please go check it out!

Thanks!!
~Bethany~

The Emerson Inspiration

I am not bound for any public place, but for ground of my own where I have planted vines and orchard trees, and in the heat of the day climbed up into the healing shadow of the woods. Better than any argument is to rise at dawn and pick dew-wet red berries in a cup. ~Wendell Berry

As I sit here, in my room, eating a banana and with a stomach gently rolling over its recent meal of grilled pork steaks, tender steamed broccoli and Tim’s “famous” potatoes, I feel a small twinge of guilt washing over me. Lately, I have been reading a book by Barbara Kingsolver, better recognized from her recent best-selling novel The Poisonwood Bible, that addresses many subjects that are combative to we Americans’ everyday and comfortable lives. Her main attack is on the food industry and culture (or lack thereof) that has become so overwhelming in America. Other barrages are directed more specifically at the reader’s own life choices in a country that is covered in nutrient-depleted soil, rained on by artificial chemical ‘fertilizers’, and forced to grow genetically modified versions of the foods that used to supply our forefathers with everything that they needed nutritionally.

If I step back and honestly look at my food choices I would have to admit that I am a contributing factor to the rapid decline of any food-culture that we might still be digging our claws into as it slowly but steadily is falling out of our grasp. My banana most likely grew in California and the rest of my food probably came from other states as well. My food was packaged and sprayed with preservatives and traveled from thousands of miles away just to get to the supermarket so that it could sit on a shelf and wait for me to come along and say “hmm, that looks good – I think I’ll have that”, all the while slowly getting less and less fresh, purging its nutrients as it goes. It’s quite the harrowing thought – to think that my food is more well-traveled than I am. And that doesn’t even mention the amount of gas and carbon emissions encountered in the process of simply packing and shipping the food. What are we doing to our planet? Just so we can have asparagus in December? Excuse me if this sounds a little harsh, but I am sick of being a food-slut.

What ever happened to the good old days of people growing their own food? What happened to canning and preserving? What happened to the pride we used to take in preparing food? Our lives have become too complicated and too distracting to allow us time to see how we are poising ourselves. Aside from all the chemicals, monosodium phosphates, and genetic modification of our foods, by shopping for our veggies out of the frozen food section and buying ready-made meals that you simply put on the stove and stir we are poisoning our culture. Here’s an exercise: I’ll say a country or area and you think about the foods that are distinct to that area. China (Asian noodles, rice, water chestnuts, teriyaki, sesame oil, snap peas, bean sprouts, chop sticks, etc), French (wine, foie gras, diners and cafes, coffee, hole-in-the-wall bistros, rich decadent foods), Mexico (tortillas, rice, beans, tacos, chilies, and a few exotics). Now try America. If you honestly sit back and think about American food culture, what do we have? The only thing I can come up with is roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, fast-food joints, and food courts filled with imitations of other cultures’ dishes. Do we really want our legacy to be fast food? Look at the impact it is having on our overly-obese nation as it is. We have abandoned quality for convenience, naturally rich flavor for chemical-pumped monster-fruits, and gardens for super-marts that pressure local growers out of business because they can’t compete with mass-produced prices. The map of the world (above) is a chart displaying each country as it produces carbon emissions. The bigger the country, the larger the emissions. Gee, look which country is "winning"!

Michael and I have spent a lot of time talking lately about this issue, most recently today while we were out in the dirt on our hands and knees picking bags full of green beans. We really want to set ourselves up so that we can live off the land as much as possible, getting our sustenance from the ground that we live on and pour our blood, sweat, and tears into. Honestly, I don’t really care if I can only eat asparagus for 1 month out of the year. I love asparagus more than any other vegetable, but there is something about abiding by the laws of nature that is genuinely appealing to us. I know that I am putting a lot of extra work onto myself by doing it this way and I know that it will be hard at times, but the idea is to eventually be completely self-sustainable and hopefully produce enough for others as well. I’m sick of polluting the world just so that I can have pineapple for dessert. It just isn’t worth it.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said “Adopt the peace of nature: her secret is patience” and that is fully what we intend to do. We will wait for the asparagus in May and we will pluck the tomatoes off the vine when they are ready and what we cannot use immediately will be set aside and canned for use in less plentiful months. We will plant every seed with intention and tend to that seed and watch it grow. It is through this that I believe one can truly begin to appreciate the beauty that surrounds us and value nature for what she gives us.

-bethany joy-

Sleepless in Seattle (cliche!!! *puke* <-- real mature, I know)

It has been a tiresome week.

That being said, Hi! I bet you've missed me... because I've missed just about everything that has to do with home, so most likely you're included in that.

I purposely waited a week to post, not only because I was so terribly busy over the last few days but also because I didn't want to post anything that was devoid of a tasteful seasoning of time and temperance to my new surroundings. I knew that if I posted as soon as I got here I would have some blissful "honeymoon" rant that would, in the end, be less than truthful and I would end up having to post again to retract or revise my previous statements and, really, who wants to read something twice when they can read it once? You'll thank me for it. Trust me.

I also wanted to wait until I had some time after Michael left because it has been very difficult here without my other half and I didn't want to be an emotional mess about the whole thing and then make you read it...

Here's how the whole thing sort of came to be:

I had a less than pleasant time during my student teaching because of a few different factors and was feeling particularly dismayed about my imminent future as a teacher, so I decided to "look into" other possible routes, in hopes of delaying my conformation to the human machine as long as possible. One suggestion that I found especially intriguing was that of childcare, nannying specifically. At first I started looking for local families but I wasn't finding the type of desired results that I had originally hoped for, so I expanded my location preferences... and by "expanded" I mean to the ENTIRE United States; Dumb idea, I know. So I was contacted by this really great family out in Seattle, Washington who flew me out to see just how wonderful they were and we decided to make it happen.

Needless to say, Michael and I had a few discussions about this whole procession because it would entail my leaving him for a long period of time and also possibly uprooting him from his home, which is more than I could ever hope for. He was fully supportive of me and is *fingers crossed* making the arduous journey to rainy Seattle to nest here for a while with me around the New Year.

He flew out here to stay with me (and meet the people he was handing the care of his love over to) for a few days and we had an amazing time exploring a tiny slice of the city and surrounding nature that is my new home. One day we took all morning and went hiking on Mount Rainer down to a "babbling brook" that we picked out from a bridge far far above *see pictures*. After a few hours of carefully hiking down the muddy terrain and skidding down scuttling shale rocks (kind of like how I'm making you read this right now...), we made it down to the river and dipped our feet in the ice cold runoff of this winter's lingering mountaintop snow. It was one of the most beautiful and awe-inspiring days I think I've ever had, and I got to share it with the man that I love. A true blessing.

(Change of subject on account of welling tear ducts)

(p.s. click on the picture to the left - I would have to say that it is one of my best ever)

So, I guess you could say that I'm settled. I've officially sent out mail, changed my address, gotten my new iPhone, and even painted my room. Yes, I painted my room. It was my project - you should know me well enough to expect that from me! Lets just say that when I got here, Tera had moved upstairs and left a stunning (literally) conglomeration of hunter and slate that would conjure dreams at night of being in a prison... in the jungle? I have to say that I was a bit frightened by it, thus the hurried nature in which I took on this project. Needless to say, it took 2 coats of primer (3 at the corners), two coats of cream paint, and two coats of teal, 6 coats in all. Do you know how much work that is? I think that if I tried, I could crack a chestnut between my 2nd and 3rd fingers on account of the immense muscular prowess that it required to paint a room of this stature 6 times. I think that before I find my way to bed I'll put a muscle-relief hot pad on my hand and forearm to aid in the recuperation.

I am watching 2 kids (out of 7, two of which are married and out of the house). Kiara is a 6yr old Diva who is very used to getting her way but is also surprisingly polite and has a very endearing passion for performing. Zak is 8 and he is quite the emotional ball of yarn that constantly seems to be unraveling for some reason or another, but when he's happy boy is he happy! He has night terrors which, for me, are a constant struggle because he wakes up nearly every night at least once screaming bloody murder and usually on his way out of his bed by the time I get over there. The doctors say it will get better, though, so here's hoping it gets better. P.S. She only looks harmless.

So, all in all, this job is tiring. I won't lie or sugar coat it - I didn't much feel like it today because I had a bout of homesickness that nearly took me out around 7:00 local time. However, I really like the family and I know that they are good people that are simply trying to live their lives the best way they can and I am a tool that helps not only relieve a bit of the stress but also gives them the freedom to spend quality time with their kids, which is worth the stress because I know that I am doing them a huge service and I feel good about it at the end of the day no matter how pooped I am.

It's an odd thing, growing up. It's a beautiful thing but it fills me with an aching sadness deep down inside at the same time.

Right now, it seems only appropriate that I compare my life to that of the life of a track runner. Now, know this: I do not run, by choice, at least. So, the stretch may be a little hard for you to apply, but give it a shot.
In the beginning of a runner's life, he loves to run around the yard playing tag with his friends and chasing after the dog... running is just something inside of him that he has not quite realized yet. Then he gets a little older and running becomes not just a hobby for children but a middle school sport in which, usually, there are no winners or losers, its just about playing the games. The runner enjoys his sport and has fun trying to jump over small hurdles or beating his friends around the track. But, when he gets to high school, the competition seems to get much more heavy and it is very important that you not only win your races but you also practice and cross train to be in good shape. In high school, admit it, we all thought it was the peak of our lives.. but the runner soon finds out about something called professional sports which, for the runner, is the Olympics. The high school runner dreams the big dreams and sets his heart on a direction that will lead him straight to the gold. So, he races, practices, jumps and falls, wins and loses, sweats and bleeds, and finally is snatched up by a college with a decent track program. What he thought was serious in High School now seems like the child's play that he did when he was younger. This is real work now - he has entered the big leagues and the more work he does and the harder he strives for what he wants, the more he sees that gold medal in a realistic way, realizing that the amount of work, training, money, effort, talent, and natural ability it would take to achieve this goal is nearly impossible. Now, he has to decide if he should abandon his dream or really go for it... but the problem is, life is going on either way. Now, not only does he have to consider his dream's affect on his life but also the lives of the people around him. What about his family? When he has to move across country to work at a training facility to become a better athelete, they will be losing a son, at least for a while. And what about the girl he's been dating for the last year or so? What if she doesn't want to move? What about her hopes and dreams - where was she planning on being in 5 years... following his butt around? And what about in 10 years when he is a washed up runner who may or may not have achieved his goal? Then what?

I would say that right now, I'm at that point. Sure, nannying is not my "dream" or my olympic "gold medal", but it's a great job for me right now and I am taking the opportunity and moving across the country, away from my whole family and away from michael until christmas. All on my own in a city in which I know no one besides the family that hired me, and I just met them a few weeks ago. I guess I have taken a step back from myself, taken a deep breath and really looked, and what I saw was an arrogant, naiive girl who has no idea what she's getting herself into. But, I would like to believe that I an making a wise decision... I'm young, flexible, and still have the belief that I can do some good. It's just a big step - a big hurdle to have to jump and, like a runner, with each step I take running toward it, I hope and pray that I make it over ok... but I know that this is just the first of many big hurdles I will be jumping in the next few years... it's just a new-ish thing for me to have to make big kid decisions and have a big kid job and get up every morning and put my big girl pants on...

I'm really going to miss my friends - my life - my family - my loves.

It's an odd thing, growing up. It is a beautiful thing but it fills me with an aching sadness deep down inside at the same time.

...did you miss me?

I'd say it has been... a while. A little more than a while, actually. It feels like forever, but a lot can happen in a few months.

Not only am I now about to graduate with the degree I have worked on for the last 5 painstaking years, and my life still has no clear direction. you would think that after 5 years of pursuing teaching I would know for a fact that I want to be a teacher, but I just don't know anymore. Such is life.

So, now I need a job. Anyone know of one?

Um... update on Michael and I.... We're closing in on our year anniversary here in about a month - which, if you know me at all, you realize is a big deal. I usually date boys for about a week or two before kicking them to the curb. But this one is different. If you haven't met him yet, you will.

Oh - I'm also looking for a house in Muskegon... but I need the job before I can get a house...

This isn't a very poignant post, i'm afraid. Sorry if I've disappointed you - I'm just not feeling inspired today. Sorry!!

I hope everyone's doing well!!
~Bethany~

Update

I'd say it has been a while since I have posted so since I had some extra time this morning I thought I would entreat you with a glimpse of what has been going on lately.

Every day I get up at 5am, shower, iron my clothes, and do a few last minute preparation things, eat some breakfast and I’m out the door. I get to school no later than 7am and work until 1st hour preparing for the day. After that point, the day is basically a blur - it passed by before I even know that it's done. It goes by so quickly and yet it is still so tiring. I talk a lot - and you all know how much I love to talk, but at the end of a day of teaching, the last thing I want to do is talk. Some days are easy and other days (yesterday especially) are trying. My patience is the only thing that gets me through sometimes. There is usually at least one confrontation a day with a student - a challenge to see if you're going to back down. I've found that I am pretty strong and can handle it pretty well.

The only discouraging part is when students deliberately choose to not participate in whatever is going on in class. Not only does it break your heart as a teacher to see them choosing to fail, but it also irritates you because they are being outright disrespectful and don't care. There are a few students in my 5th hour 11th grade English class that are like that - new seating chart on Monday! Honestly, all I can do is try to help them without coddling them. That is a very fine line - and almost too fine to try and walk, but as a teacher it's my job.

The best feeling in the world, however, is when you come into your class right as the bell is ringing and you find all of your students sitting in their seat working quietly on the work that is on the board. Wednesday I took my 1st hour students to the "Collage Show Preview" that the school was doing and they let out a few minutes later than expected, so when I finally got back to my classroom at the other end of the school, the last bell had just rung. I walked to the door, opened it, and found myself surrounded by students working on their vocabulary words and, better yet, helping each other with questions!! Maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal to someone who isn't a teacher, but that is a huge deal! It shows that your kids respect you enough to be on time, enough to find their appropriate seats, that your classroom is managed to the point that they know what to do at all times, and that they are responsible enough to follow directions on the board even without you telling them to. It is an amazing feeling.

Other than school, Michael and I are about to celebrate 9 months tomorrow (the 10th) and that, too, may not seem like a big deal to most of you but I assure you that it is. Lately we've been talking about our options and have been considering moving across country for work... we'll see. As of right now, it's just a discussion. But a very alluring one.

I will hopefully post again soon - sorry it took so long!!
~Bethany Joy~