Recently, i've been going to Renovate with my parents and Ive met a few people there that are rather pleasent. Tonight, I was invited to go out with a few people my age, which hasn't happened in a long time. I had pretty much given up on friends in Muskegon, honestly, as of yesterday. I was sick of calling people and no one answering... or never getting return calls... always being the one to initiate contact... For the first time in a long time, i went out with people and had a great time! During dinner I was talking with my new friend, Dave, i got to thinking about a bunch of rather difficult topics. None of them were necessarily breached, but the conversation brought the issues back to the forefront of my mind instead of tucked way back in the back and forgotten about.
In some respects, i convince myself that it's none of anyone's business why certain things ended up the way they did, but we all know that's not the reason. If i have to be 100% truthful, i don't like to admit defeat. I don't like to share my failures, regardless of the turnout. I would say that my career direction away from being a teacher is a good path for me at the moment but to me that is still a failure because i worked for five years on that degree only to not use it. I convince myself that if i was really good at what i did i would be working as a teacher with a great job here in Muskegon... but I don't. I know that I'm happy, and I know that what i am doing right now is better for me than being a teacher, but that doesn't settle my mind at all.
if you want to know the reason why i didn't go into teaching, I'll tell you - "it's complicated". It has to do with school politics, slated administration, and betrayal. Without placing too much blame, i feel like i was set up to fail by one of my "mentors" and the whole final two months of my degree were so painful - just going in the morning was less enticing than pulling off my fingernails one by one. I was in no way perfect at what i did and i will be the first to admit it, but i gave it my all and put my heart into giving everything i had for those kids. Without too much drama in the details I'll just say that there were a lot of tears, a lot of doubt, and a whole lot of hating myself.
I would say that this is a good part of what caused me to move to Washington in the first place - i didn't want to face my failure every day, even though it wasn't necessarily me that failed but my mentors that failed me. I couldn't handle the expectations that i had placed on myself. My whole degree and future looked disgusting to me now and i needed a quick out. So i moved to what looked like a wonderful opportunity out in Washington as a Nanny for a Christian family who was letting me use my degree to home school their kids. It was like the perfect compromise and I even had Michael getting ready to move out there with me. Sure, i was nervous about leaving, but I jumped at the opportunity anyway.
I went out there and everything was great - for about 2 weeks. Then, through a series of situations where I got to know the family in a way other than they portrayed when they were hiring me, i really got to get a good look at what this family was about. I started t0 figure them out. The kids were difficult to say the least and the parents were no help at all. I was asked to discipline them and when i did, i got in trouble. I was told that i wasn't expected to go to church with the family but then when i actually didn't go with them they freaked out. and then, when i did go, they looked at me like i was an alien because i didn't know any of their songs and didn't jump around and clap... and because i wasn't impressed by the pastor's wife's 10 minute speech about giving money to the church. I didn't complain, though, i just let it go because it wasn't my church. That's when the division started - the family wasn't thrilled that i wasn't just jumping on the train - going to their church, shopping only at Saks fifth avenue, not going for pedicures and manicures and massages every week, wasn't buying the kids gifts when i went to the store, etc... i didn't fit in. The daughter made up lies about me, manipulated things I said, and eventually forced me out.
When Angela came down to my room and asked to talk, i knew exactly what she was about to say. They had been completely distant for 2 days and it was the most awkward thing ever. Part of me was really glad to hear her say that they were going to let me go home, but another huge part of me screamed "failure" so loud that it was all i could think. I was miserable there and yet still when she came downstairs to talk to me i felt like a let down and a waste of space. "i should have just conformed" - "i should have just gone to their church and shut up" - " i should have pretended to be a christian and not stirred the pot" - "i should have just ...." fill it in however you want. I was on the plane within 24 hours and i should have been ecstatic but i was miserable. how could I go home and face everyone? how could i tell everyone i came across that i was a failure??
I quickly decided that i just need to suck it up. Sure, i failed, but i failed at conforming to standards I don't agree with in both of the aforementioned situations. Should i apologize for that? no. i wont. not ever. If i am true to myself and no one else, regardless of what else happens in my life, i am a success.
